I had completely forgotten about the Super Bowl until my sister reminded me during a Skype. Being out of the country and being not so glued to Facebook has left me blessedly free of ALL FOOTBALL ALL THE TIME. And I was all, “Oh yeah. Man, I want some football food.” Because while football–excuse me, American football maybe the second most boring sport of all time (sorry for the win, Baseball), football food is the food equivalent of sweatpants–always perfect.

Football food is typically:
-fatty
-salty
-cheesy
-starchy
-spicy
-snack size
-intended to be a base for dips

I.e., it’s everything I love, all the time. And football parties are just the best. Everyone wears lounge clothes and eats terrible for you food and sits around the living room screaming at the TV. It’s basically America, and I love it.

So I was bummed out that I wouldn’t be attending a Super Bowl party this year, as the broadcast was in the middle of a work day. But, thanks to Facebook, I found a recipe for Buffalo Chicken Meatball Subs with Blue cheese dressing, and I was all, “sold.” How hard could it be?

First, it took two stores before I found blue cheese–and forget finding it crumbled. And we ended up with blue cheese mash when we tried crumbling it ourselves. Then, mayonnaise betrayed me. I saw “traditional” mayo and “whole egg” mayo. I hadn’t heard of whole egg mayo, so I went with traditional, because how could traditional be anything other than plain mayo? Oh, ho, ho, traditional mayonnaise in Australia is goddamn Miracle Whip, aka my most hated condiment. And I didn’t know it until I mixed all my blue cheese dressing ingredients. A few more additions of Worcester sauce tempered the foul evil of the Miracle Whip, but I was still traumatised. Then, the meatballs took forever to bake. This is definitely a plan ahead meal. And finally, I took a few bites and remembered that I don’t particularly care for blue cheese. Whoops.

I did like the spicy crunchiness of the meatballs, paired with cold crunchy lettuce and soft hoagie rolls. But the blue cheese really turned me off. Joel really liked it, however. And so, I’m calling this a semi-fail. It made me feel America, but it didn’t live up to my expectations. So, if you really love blue cheese, give this a shot. Just don’t use Miracle Whip.

Oh, the next day I took the left over chicken mince mix, covered it in bread crumbs, fried it, and slathered it with blue cheese and BBQ sauce, and it wasn’t that bad. And I gained about 40 lbs.

Buffalo Chicken Meatball Sub

and

Fast Blue Cheese Dressing

Let me know how it twiddles your heart strings, football fans.