October 2016 – Audpodge and Blither Blather

If this isn’t nice…

Published on October 30, 2016October 30, 2016 by audreyLeave a comment

On Thursday night, the weather promised nothing but thunderstorms from Friday to Sunday. Halloween weekend + thunderstorms + desire to sit in and write? It’s like a perfect storm of Fuck Yeah. And as we walked home from dinner on Friday night in the rain, I was pumped for a weekend of making shit happen.

I don’t know why, but I like, need it to rain. As in, I feel like my emotional welfare depends on whether or not it storms all weekend. Probably because we haven’t had a really good rainy weekend in a long time, and I wanted to watch scary movies while curled up with hot chocolate. I miss the rain. As the deserts do. (and I miss you)

But, as it turned out, my perfect storm was short lived. It was blue sky t-shirt and shorts weather from the time we woke up on Saturday until just a few minutes ago. Blue skies and heat is basically my hibernating weather. So I spent Saturday making 1 sweaty trip to the post office, and then either napping, draining the battery on my phone from looking up memes, and writing a single paragraph before getting distracted by Googling whether or not Farrah Abraham has butt implants #important. I made us greasy hamburgers for dinner, ate too much dessert, and fell asleep around 1 AM, crossing my fingers for a stormy day.

Today, though, was one of those mornings that make you believe you’re a morning person. The sunlight was glorious, there was no humidity, and it was quiet and lovely and inspiring. I sprang out of bed early and made coffee, read in bed for an hour, made breakfast, Skyped with my family, reorganised the closet, did some shopping, made chicken and rice soup for Joel the Unwell, finished the laundry, put together some notes/plans for my stories, and I even vacuumed. I’m telling you, I was inspired.

dscf5321 — I’m *this* close to having a fully functional wardrobe. More on that later.

dscf5322 — Christmas ornaments are out! I’m getting pumped for our tree this year, so yeah, I had to buy one. This guy’s legs dance when you pull the string #yes

14875944_10103110181528237_65908431_o — Just like ma used to make.

dscf5319 — This evening – blurry but still damn gorgeous.

It’s slow and steady, but I’m crawling out of the hole I’ve dug myself in. And it feels good, man. I’m working my way out of bad, depressive habits, which is huge, and makes me feel really optimistic. There’s a lot to look forward coming up, like Friends-giving, getting my Australian driver’s license, beach weekends, good books, outings and adventures, and The Crown on Netflix and Teen Mom UK, which should satisfy all my trash TV needs (for the time being), and far off into the future, almost 2.5 weeks off for Christmas.

I stood in our bedroom this morning, and the same thought kept running through my head:

If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.

I love our place. I love our life. And it feels like everything is getting better.

Happy Sunday, everyone!

Heeeere’s Johnny

Published on October 19, 2016October 19, 2016 by audreyLeave a comment

I love Stanley Kubrick. And I love The Shining. And when I found out that I could see it for the first time on the big screen, I was all yusssssss.

missing letters – awesome. And +10 for Jewish film festival.

The Hayden Orpheum Picture Palace – yes that is its real name – has held a Kubrick Film Fest all month long, showing every one of his movies. After I ~~saw~~ totally had a life changing experience seeing 2001: A Space Odyssey in 70mm Cinerama, my life mission has been to see all his movies on the screen. So this month has been one of those times where I really, really, really wish I was independently wealthy and could have taken the month off of work to see all of them. Alas, I am poor. So I chose The Shining and got real excited.

The first time I saw The Shining, I was 10 years old. It was at my birthday party, where we had a taco bar and watched movies (badass). We capped the night off with this beauty, and I can’t figure out why my mom thought it was appropriate. I was always creeped out by the movie box, which looked like this:

il_570xn-704957502_9nke — Seriously – what the fuck is that face in the title font? /shudder

And my mom told me about the Redrum! Redrum! scene, which was instantly intriguing to my eerily obsessed with insanity 10 year old self.

But 10 year olds are dumb. And 10 years growing up in the Beavis and Butthead era are even dumber. We were idiot children cackling and making 10 year old jokes about rotting corpse booobies in the bathroom, high fiving any time Jack said fuck, making fun of Shelley Duvall’s teeth, starting blankly at the screen as we, a room full of kids, witnessed furries in action for the first time, not knowing what we just saw, just knowing that it was fucking weird (pun intended). We complained about the lack of gore and there was many a “THIS ISN’T SCARY” to be heard. As I said before, dumb kids.

But I’m all grown and up and totally sophisticated, and The Shining is unsettling and beautiful and a damn near perfect ghost story – actual, demonic ghosts, and the lingering ghosts from addictions and rage and disappointment. And Jack Nicholson. Shit.

Seeing it in theatres was amazing. The soundtrack engulfed me and I felt it right in my bones, and since I was riding solo, I had no one to fan girl to incessantly, so I noticed little nuances and nods to the novel that I hadn’t seen before (like when Wendy and the doctor are sitting in the Torrence’s apartment, the only book with its spine facing the audience is called The Wise Child? Or Jack reading a copy of Playboy in the Overlook’s lounge?) And even though everyone in the audience had seen it before, so when Jack gave lines like “I’d never hurt you. Or your mother,” everyone cracked up. It was one of those instantly annoying/instantly bonding moments – a small part of me was like, aw man, can’t we pretend we all don’t know it’s going to end with an ax murder?

And you want to know how to make that blood coming from the elevator door scene even creepier? See it on a giant screen with booming orchestration. /yikes But I think my new favourite part is the scene between Wendy and Jack, when she brings him breakfast in bed. She asks how his writing is going, and he’s less than enthusiastic. So she says, “it’s all about getting in the habit of writing everyday.” And Jack kinda gives her this half smile, half fuck you face while saying “Yep. That’s all it is.” And it’s just magical. Like, I feel that.

All in all, I had a great time. The Hayden is an art deco style, independent theatre and it’s really fucking cool. Each theatre has its own theme and lush Gatsby era decor. The candy bar sells inexpensive candy and popcorn – in cardboard movie boxes – and not hot dogs or chicken wings. The seats don’t recline, and you can’t buy alcohol. The staff wear vests and bow ties and they still tear tickets. It’s my new favourite place.

It was perfect.

And yes, I’m pretty sure I’ve found a new place to spend all the money I don’t have.

Also, I still sometimes make fun of Shelley Duvall’s teeth. As I said before, I am totally sophisticated.

Your 9 Year Old Self

Published on October 13, 2016October 13, 2016 by audrey2 Comments

I saw this on Instagram today –

Screen Shot 2016-10-13 at 10.00.42 PM.png — side note – I want one of these boards. And I ain’t even mad at myself for it.

And instantly, my first thought was, “man, 9 year old Audrey would think 32 year old Audrey is pretty lame.”

And then I thought, wait – 9 year old Audrey’s day during the school week consisted of

taking an hour to wake up in the morning
fiercely debating cutting her own bangs every morning
sneaking her mom’s coffee
taking too long to pick out clothes because she was too busy fantasising about clothes she didn’t have
going to school where she was equal parts I CAN DO THIS and help me I’m so overwhelmed
walking home through the woods so she could act out little stories running through her head
typing out said stories on her typewriter while listening to music; or making elaborate plans to do or build or create something; or drawing killer whales, researching killer whales, becoming a killer whale, basically engaging whatever I was obsessed with at the time
staying in the bath (never a shower – thanks Psycho) until the water turned cold
falling asleep while watching a movie
waking up to go to bed and reading books or comic strip collections until she passed out with the lights on

And I was all “that’s basically my same routine now.” So I’m basically living like my 9 year old self was watching. And my 9 year old self thinks I’m pretty rad – I mean, I can take showers without the fear of a cross dressing schizophrenic with PTSD stabbing me to death. I mean, I’m sure she’s disappointed that I’m not a marine biologist/killer whale trainer by day, novelist by night, actress and movie director on the weekends, married to Brad Pitt and living in a log cabin with a herd of dogs, but hey. You can only do so much in 23 years. Plus, now I can stay up late watching movies whenever I feel like it. Fuck yeah.

Hey inner-child, high 5!

So early 90’s it hurts. Not pictured: Brad Pitt *Legend of the Fall* poster directly to the right of those sick Aladdin wall decals.

How would your 9 year old self judge you?

Ellie

Published on October 8, 2016October 8, 2016 by audreyLeave a comment

It’s been a tough week for my family back home. A tough week that’s resulted in the loss of our dog, Ellie. My parents brought home Ellie and her sister Lucy from off the side of a road puppy sale in Ohio in 2008, and they have been filling our lives with sloppy kisses, smelly faces, bellowing barks, sincere commitment to resist potty training, greasy coats, disgusting moments (why do dogs eat their own vom?), and general hilarity ever since.

Ellie was the sweetest dog. Her tail wagged a million miles an hour, and she never met a person she didn’t immediately love. She adored to be brushed, petted, and fussed over. She was silky and slinky and the glamorous counterpart to Lucy, who was always scruffy and smelly and slobbery no matter how many wipe downs she got. She went into season way sooner than our vet or we thought she would, and she had to wear a diaper. She would wrangle and put up a fight until my mom put a pair of my niece’s girly underpants over it, and just for the fun of it – a dog sweater. After that, Ellie had no problem wearing the diaper. A girl has to have an outfit, you know. She always sat on the couch like a person – leaning on the arm – when she wasn’t stacked directly on top of Lucy.

10346206_10101618987288447_4865064702773007160_n

She and Lucy were two peas in a pod who probably hadn’t spent more than one weekend apart since they were born. It breaks my heart that we lost this sweet pup, and it really breaks my heart to think of neurotic Lucy going it all alone.

It’s a cruel fact of life that our animals fill our hearts and lives, and for all too briefly. We can’t ask them what’s wrong, or what we can do to help. We have to make the hard decisions to ease their pain, we hold their heads as we say goodbye. And it never gets easier, no matter how old you are. My heart breaks all over the place, for Ellie, for my family, and for my Lucy.

xo, sweet pal.

another WORKSPACE post

Published on October 5, 2016 by audrey3 Comments

Someone I live with might have mentioned to me that the time between my posts is getting longer and longer, and they’re sounding a bit down lately. And that’s totes true. Mostly because when I’m busy in real life, my consistency goes out the window. BUT NOT SO ANYMORE! Behold, a post within 2 days of my last post. AND on a cheerier subject – our new office space. YAY!

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a nerd for all things workspaces, home offices, and stationery. The only downside about moving this years was that I finally got my workspace just so, and I had a whole separate room with two desks and lots of space to play around with. Now we both share one desk and one corner of our combined kitchen/living/dining rectangle. I’ve been plotting and planning how to get our this space working at its optimal form, taking into consideration the following:

1. We can’t hang anything on the walls – including command hooks
2. We have limited wall space thanks to some awesome windows
3. We’re sharing the space – a challenge unto itself.

I knew a shelving unit was the answer – something to corral all our stuff without looking too bulky, blocking the windows, and not costing an arm and a leg. And after weeks of looking, researching, planning, and convincing Joel that yes, this is absolutely essential to my our wellbeing, and with a little help from my pals at Ikea and a 5 day weekend, I finally got to finish step one of our remodel. Nothing dramatic, but it’s much better than what we had before. Take a gander!

dscf5247 — Before, view one: hodge-podge, and stuff stacked on the ground, spilling out of the shelves

dscf5249 — Before, view two: more hodge-podge + desk

dscf5287 — After! New shelves. More space, and no more shit stacked on the floor

dscf5288 — Wheeee tidy desk, too. With a calendar to ~~make me feel guilty~~ keep me on track

dscf5292 — Our old spice/medicine rack re-purposed into a stellar stationery rack (those 4 for $2 fat spice jars from Ikea are awesome for holding paper clips and tacks and other small things)

dscf5297 — Still figuring out with Joel the best way to store all his bits and bobs – another work in progress.

The open shelves make the space feel bigger, and they aren’t as clunky or bulky as the ones we had before. Plus matching (+10). And the adjustable, stackable shelves mean we can add and change it up depending on how much space we need. Even if it did take about 2 hours of assembling and reassembling to get the shelves measured juuuust right. And walking in and seeing stuff put away because there is room to put is totes amaze.

I sat in the new workspace and wrote tonight, and it felt good. It’s a new place to help me get stay back on track. Yes, that’s me. Totally inspired by Ikea shelves and a few cute stationery bits.

Here’s to new starts and renewed productivity!

Transitions

Published on October 3, 2016October 3, 2016 by audrey1 Comment

Being in transition is irritating. Mostly because it feels like there’s no guarantee of stability. And contrary to my recklessly impulsive, leap and the net shall appear style, stability is crucial for me. Lack of stability makes it hard to plan for the future, which makes me unable to enjoy the now. I mean, I have a hard enough time enjoying the present because I’m usually re-hashing the past or making unattainable goals for the future, so the lack of stability or predictability makes me worry even more.

The stability I’m talking about here is financial stability – and my irritatingly persistent need for it.

At this point last year I was on the job hunt, and so I was at this time the year before that. Looking for a new job, and the first 3-6 months of working a new job can be shitty and stressful, not to mention what happens when you spend months looking for a job and ducking work so you can go on interviews and then you score a new gig and then you start and it’s really promising and after a few months you realise it’s not the right fit for you but you don’t want to give up and you really don’t want to start job hunting again so you deny that you need to find a new one until you almost have a nervous breakdown and you finally admit you need a new job. So there’s that.

Two years to settle might be a normal time frame for someone moving to a new country. But being someone who is not only recklessly impulsive but who also plans to run marathons when I should be crawling, I’m really disappointed in myself that it’s taken so long. I’m disappointed because, even though finding a stable job is really important for things like rent, student loans (thanks, mom and dad!), bills, and groceries, my reasons for not settling down and creating a full life here all feel like excuses. I just kept thinking “as soon as I find the right job, I won’t have to worry about money anymore. Everything will fall into place. I’ll start writing more, I’ll feel better, and I’ll start doing more.” And really, all that thinking did was keep me in an obsessive little bubble. I feel like I’ve been so consumed by the worry of instability that I’ve robbed myself of time. I’ve robbed two years from myself. Two years of living in a new, exciting country, two years where I could have been doing more. Could have been living more.

Basically, I’m getting a bit sick of my own shit. I know depression is difficult to fight, and it manifests in so many different ways that you feel like you’re fighting a 60-front war, but I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of not being in control. I want more. I need more.

And that’s it. I’m sick of it. I want things to be better. I may wake up tomorrow morning hating myself again, and I don’t want to jinx it, but I’ve been taking more and more baby steps to getting my shit back together, and I feel good. Empowered, if I want to use my therapist’s language. It means working hard. And working hard when all I want to do is NOT work hard. Which admittedly, will be the hardest part.

I want to thrive again. I want to make up for lost time and make the rest of this year count.

screen-shot-2016-10-03-at-9-58-01-pm — Picture unrelated – but we bought a percolater last weekend and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us. Wait – maybe this picture isn’t unrelated.

Happy October, everyone!