Paint Skillz

Almost exactly a year ago, I got the crushing news that Microsoft Paint would no longer be a supported app.

WHAT THE FUCK? I thought, a year ago, as a wave of nostalgia swept through me. As you know, I am a professional, accomplished, envied drawer person (available for hire).

By Audrey, 8 years old. I am really good at art, and always was.

A year ago, I planned to reveal my secret talent in this post. For you may or may not know, before I became a Very Important and Distinguished Professional drawer person, and even before I became an Internationally Renowned,  Marginally Proficient Adobe Illustrator illustrator:

Screen Shot 2018-07-23 at 9.12.22 PM
Work in Progress – aka my magnum opus – aka all my favourite things

I was an A++ Certified Badass in Microsoft Paint. True story!

“Audrey: Very Good At Art” – the world

Back when computers were only a thing for my friends whose moms re-married rich tech guys after leaving their philandering husbands, all we did was play Oregon Trail and draw things with Paint. And when my brother Josh got Mario Paint for his Super Nintendo, I didn’t think life got any better. That was, until we got our first family computer in 1997, and I had free reign over my MS Paint domain. I think I went through a ream of paper printing out every single doodle that came to me.

I mean, I loved drawing, and I really loved drawing with computers. And with all that hard work, all that determination, all that training, and all the wrist surgeries from the “holding mouse at precise angle so as not to make crooked lines” carpal tunnel I suffered, I progressed to the before-unheard of skill set of “Kinda Mostly ok”. And that’s an honour I carry with me to this day.

So, a year ago, when I got the sad news that MS Paint was going to kick the fill bucket, I thought of writing this blog. And I decided to put together a collection of my greatest MS Paint hits. And it took 363 days, but by golly I did it. I wish I could find the stuff I did when I was a sad 13 year old on the ol’ Gateway 2000, but alas. That’s a blog for another day (perhaps next year?). For now, though, enjoy this carefully curated gallery of my greatest works:

“Having a Nice Time” – which I printed on a t-shirt as part of world famous t-shirt range (so famous). The non-watermarked (ha, watermark. Way to go, Audrey) version is somewhere on a hard drive I can’t access from my Mac (that’s security!)
“Velociraptor Sobotka” – I felt like merging some of my favourite things, which happened to be Ziggy from The Wire season 2, and velociraptors (I am very predictable)
dad sheep
“Do Android Larrys Dream of Electric Sheep?” a portrait of my dad in his college days.
blue ranger
Kristin’s bachelorette party t-shirt designs (it was Dinosaurs and hula hooping on May the 4th and we were also watching a lot of Drag Race at the time
crude artist rendering of me in my 20’s


The birth announcement I made for my sister’s little guy
Leah’s dinosaur bachelorette t-shirts (I didn’t draw the dinosaurs, they were templates. But I added the accessories)

And entertain yourselves with these illustrated stories from the vault:

“Hello 4AM” — How Bill Purray almost got himself thrown out a window (featuring Gary Busey monster)


shoes 3
“Shoeless Aud” how I lost my favourite shoe down a drain

I don’t care if it’s a “deprecated” app, and “not in active development and might be removed in future releases”. It’s still #1 in my heart. And I’ll always love it. A year later, and I’m still bummed. Me and this 87 year old Grandmother will be here in the corner, rocking the shit out of steady hand line drawing with our mouses, and revelling in the 10 different colour choices and no less than different line widths.


*btw, to prove how efficient and awesome I am, here’s a screen shot off my phone. Not only am I very good at art, I am also very good at ignoring deadlines.



See you next year! Probably.

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