There’s a relatively new apartment building built across the street from our building, and I walk past it on my way to the bus stop. This relatively new building has a gigantic rubbish room, and I walk past it every morning. And it just so happened that, for 3 weeks on every Friday morning, I’d see a fat, fat, rat scurrying from the rubbish room, across the sidewalk, and into the bush, to his rat hole was in the ground. I started to think of him as my Friday Rat Man (much further on my walk, I also see Flat Rat, aka. the rat who was run over in the street two weeks ago, who hasn’t been cleaned up yet, and who gets progressively flatter and decomposed as the summer goes on* – but he’s considerably less fun)

Last Friday, as I was walking up to my Rat Man Rendez-vous, I saw not just Rat Man, but Rat Man with 2 or 3 little rat children. Sons of Rat Man! I know rat are vermin, they bring fleas and disease and poo, but as long as they stay out of my apartment and away from myself and my things, they’re cute.

This evening, as I walking home, a small Son of Rat Man quickly ran across the sidewalk to his rat hole, nearly coming into direct contact with me. He almost got me, aw rats, I chuckled to myself, because I’m hysterical. And randomly, I thought of Interview with the Vampire, and how Louis ate rats after coming to the realisation that he didn’t like killing people. And there was that scene where Lestat found him in the sewer, all wet and self-loathing and surrounded by rat corpses.

Morbid, but I let the tangent train leave the station.

Louis and the rats. Louis would have fit in with the Cullens. Think about it – Louis: vegetarian vampires, feels guilt for killing humans. Doesn’t want to turn people who have no other choice. Creator was ego-maniac with little regard for humanity. First person added to coven was a child. Propensity for whiney existential dread, self-loathing, am I really evil lines of thought. Sensible. Great hair. Would probably drive a Volvo. 

And then I thought, I can see Stephanie Meyer reading Anne Rice novels in secret, hiding from her fellow Mormons. Louis and Lestat, but make it LDS. Louis and Carlisle and Lestat were all around together in the 19th century. What if, in some alternate universe, the three were in some mostly un-fun coven, Lestat going around charming aristocrats and Louis and Carlisle frowning and eating rats and dreaming of families made of badly named misfits. Carlisle doesn’t approve of Lestat’s proclivities and still thinks Holy Father might have something to say about things. One day, Lestat is gone, he’s had it with the moping about “being cursed” and “killing humans is wrong” and “homosexuality is a sin.” Louis blames Carlisle. They fight. Louis leaves. Carlisle, heart broken, stumbles upon human Edward who remarkably resembles Louis, dying of Spanish influenza. Carlisle, driven by despair at losing the love of his life, creates Edward as a bandaid for his lonesomeness. Creates Esme to prove to himself that he’s not in love with Louis. Carlisle never hears from Louis again, but hears about his adventures with Lestat, through vampire goss. Carlisle spends the rest of his eternity secretly lamenting his loss, moving his family whenever he finds out where Louis lives. And — what if one day Louis returns to Carlisle and he leaves Esme and the family and re-joins Louis and Lestat for a life of vampiric rock star royalty and they destroy the Volturi —

Oh no.

I’ve written vampire fan fiction. Twilight and Vampire Chronicles fan fiction.

 

I asked the universe for writing inspo, so, thanks?

Nice knowing ya, folks! You can write to me at my new address in Forks, Washington.

 

 

 

*This morning we discovered a second, flatter, and more decrepit Flat Rat. So, son of Flat Rat.**

**our neighborhood isn’t as gross as I make it out to be, promise. Just the rubbish areas***.

***I started this entry talking about walking past rubbish rooms. Trash, rats, trash, vampires, Twilight. (correlations).