Yep – that about sums up July.
I feel like I’ve been on the verge of depression and funk, but also… not? Like I have one foot in the mire and the other foot is trying to climb up the mountain.
I’ve had days where its hard to get out of bed in the morning, where it was still hard to get dressed beyond a pair of big pants and an old man sweater, where Spotify playing Let Her Cry by Hootie and the Blowfish made me cry – not because I was mad that Hootie was playing, but because the song is sad. Apparently. According to my emotions. Some days I was so excited to get home and do stuff but all I did once I crossed our threshold was read gossip rags with the cat. This was living my Not Best Life.
But, in a surprise turn of events, I happened to stick to my writing (I’ve written 55 pages – 55 WHOLE PAGES – since June amazing) kinda sorta stick to working out (a smidge better than average) and taking care of myself (woo woo) and not spending all my money (yeehaw) and actually getting out of the house (as in, more than just going to the grocery store and work). I felt like I was getting stuff done, and only kinda succumbing to the all the feelings demons. I wasn’t a whirling dervish of productivity, but more like a moderately clipped pace of productivity. This was me living My Slightly Above Average But Not Quite Best Life.
And even more surprising, in the midst of this, I had a few days where I got out of bed and I was on fire. I was alert and engaged at work, I read actual books instead of time suck social media, I came home to make dinner, work out, write, text people back and shower (all these events happened in one day, more than once!). It was like getting a glimpse into what it can be like if I start Living My Best Life. And it looked awesome. I went to bed on these days thinking “wow, imagine if I could do this all the time?” I mean, I’d probably be Beyonce in the span of a few days. Right?
So could living My Best Life be sustainable? Probably not. Not 100% of the time. The days where I’ve gotten a lot accomplished just happened to coincide with me coaching myself ever so gently with the message of JUST FUCKING GET IT DONE ALREADY. And if I’m being honest with myself, I’d have to kick my ass into high gear on an hourly basis in order to Live My Best Life all the time. And I don’t have the emotional endurance for that. At least not yet.
Normally, this realisation is where I’d get down on myself. Where I hyper-focus on the 70% of time where I’m being shitty to myself and not on the 30% where I’m kicking ass. But a new day has dawned. We are now in The Era of Living My Above Average Life.
This new era is based on getting a thrill from consistent small achievements, instead of intermittent monumental achievements. It’s based on give and take, on taking the good with the bad. For example, if I have a day of Living My Best Life, the next day can be sweatpants and sleeping in front of the TV and it’s ok. I can get a coffee on the way to work, but I can’t get a coffee every day on the way to work. I can watch junk TV but I have to do stretches and work outs while I do it. If I’m having a day where I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel, I can give myself permission to do fuck-all – but only if I carry out one task (no matter how menial) in return. I can eat ice cream for dinner, but I really shouldn’t and I’m going to regret it because I’m in my 30’s now and my body hates dairy.
So yes… I’m finally getting the hang of ‘accepting that good enough is great because sometimes you break through and become awesome but no matter what you get shit done’. Not living under the dread and agony of unrealistic expectations has been pretty liberating.
Oh, and I’ll be 35 in 12 days. That’s my scary age. I’m glad to be facing it with a new perspective…. just kinda wish I was turning 25 not 35.
Wait a minute – no. 25 was awful. I take it all back.
Onwards to 35, and the Year of Living My Above Average Life!
*fingers crossed that I don’t update this in a month and I’m all ‘lol that was fun while it lasted’*