Hi, I made a grand overture about getting back in to the swing of writing and then took 5 days off. Nice to meet you!
But I do have various good excuses, such as:
Thursday: stayed late at work to have a video consult with my therapist, and it was one of those “ow that hurts but also makes me feel validated and whole” kinda sessions. I was explaining the revelations I had and insights I gained and Good Things and How I Implement Them, and at one point she said “hey you’re killing it!” and it felt nice to hear, but I don’t think that’s really accurate. I wouldn’t say I’m killing it. I’m merely standing in front of all the Things I want to change in a provoked, aggressive stance, growling softly and saying “don’t make me angry…” which is still a big improvement from what I used to do, which was lie still and watch TV and hope the Things would just sniff me and go away.
So I gave myself the night off.
Friday: Super fun day! Went in to work and had a few productive hours in the morning, then left at 11AM for an afternoon off. Ventured to IKEA where I scoured the as-is section and found gems, then walked through the entire show room and market place slowly filling a big yellow bag with treasures while I listened to season 1 of Big Love. It was wonderful. And then I had this weird obsessive need to buy a coffee table at the same time I realised I’d been walking around for 2 hours burning daylight and I was hangry. So I made a split decision and bought a table that looked like it would fit (who measures amirite), bumbled my way through the check out, inhaled a hot dog (shoulda done that before shopping, rookie mistake), hailed an Uber, got home, put together the coffee table, and it was MASSIVELY too big. In fact, it was an actual bench for the end of bed or near a dresser, not a coffee table, even though the display I saw was with the side/coffee tables. So that annoyed me. Then it was like 5PM and I remembered I had to get groceries for Taco Night, and I was hungry again but it was too late to eat something good and I didn’t want eat all the Tim Tams so I just didn’t eat, which realllllly annoyed me. I wandered up and down the aisles of our new local grocery store (which predominately sells amazing Asian groceries and some random American groceries I can’t find anywhere else) looking for Taco ingredients but could’t find anything except a giant bag of round tortilla chips, so that was exciting (Australia loves those Mission style tortilla strips or triangles or you can get that tiny bag of round chips that barely makes 1 pan of nachos, and I personally think round nachos give you the most satisfying topping coverage and are more easily scooped – but I digress). Eventually I was hangry and gave up looking for salsa and assumed we had it at home (spoiler alert: we didn’t). I ate a giant Reese cup (choices) and watched Allen vs Farrow (more choices) and felt like I squandered the day (I didn’t, but ok). Joel came home and also instantly vetoed the table. Boo.
The tacos were good, but I was in a pissy mood, mostly because every so often I don’t handle Disappointment well and when one thing Fails (table), basically EVERYTHING fails (i.e. groceries I knew I had to get, no salsa, no taco spice mix, eating way too much sugar when hangry, Woody Allen, no electric dryer so clothes take 2 days to dry, had to run errands in the morning) and nothing will ever be good again – I could win $1k tax free and would still complain that it came as a cheque. But we started a new show called Line of Duty that I was all “fuck that it looks dumb” because I was pissy but 5 mins later was fully engrossed and we watched 2 episodes and that allowed me to part the Oceans of Bad Mood enough to realise “hey I’m mad bc 1 thing was bad and then it snow balled. Also because I didn’t feed myself when necessary. I think I might be the cause of all my problems.”
Anyway, decided not to write, went to bed instead.
Saturday: ERRANDS. Errands and house cleaning and one return trip to Target to get the coffee table we agreed on that morning but couldn’t buy then because we were carrying too many things home. Reminded ourselves once again to rent a car when Running Heavy Errands. Watched more Line of Duty and went to bed. Good solid day, no time to write. Told myself I’d do it Sunday before the bbq.
Sunday: Finished laundry and last bit of cleaning before sitting on the bed for hours looking at my phone before moving to the couch to spend hours looking at my phone. We had friends over for a small bbq. After years of ooing and ahhing over our friend’s houses, it felt really good to finally have a space big enough to host people. Also it was really cute seeing Joel chuffed showing off the house. Ow. Drank too much wine, ate so much meat, fell asleep around midnight without cleaning up, but feeling fat and happy.
Monday: 5:40AM came way too soon. Slept in til 6:30, stayed in bed til 7, ended up needing an Uber to get to work on time. Busy day. First pilates class in about 2 weeks, but it was led by her student and she kicked.my.ass. Left the class sweaty and broken but it felt great. Got home, washed all the dirty dishes, vaccumed and and Joel got home and spot mopped the floor. Ordered pizza and it was especially delish and we watched Mare of Eastown which is pretty damn good. Solid, cozy, hungover night. Had a shower and thought about how writer’s put themselves into at least one character, and how for me, that’s always the main character. Maybe I can write against my type and see what happens? But how do I know what’s against my type if I only know my type? Thought hard about maybe writing about that, but didn’t.
Tuesday: l-o-n-g day at work, feeling overwhelmed and unable to catch up because of Things. Stayed late to organise but felt too tired and frustrated to focus. Decided to try again tomorrow. Got home, changed into my sweat-exdo and grabbed my laptop so I could write even though my eyes were strained and I was tired of looking at screens. I didn’t write in my manuscript, but at least I made myself do something here.
So here I am, from the couch, updating. My 2nd day Pilates soreness is creeping in (can barely lift my arms), I have heart burn radiating in my ears from eating too much sausage for dinner and I’m so tired, but – I came home and didn’t succumb to the Potato Void, and instead put it on the blog. That’s great!
Baby steps toward that Monolith.