Tag: self care

All the news that’s fit to print

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I have absolutely nothing to report, apart from the fact that I am bone tired tonight, and I don’t want to stare at a screen or think.

But I told myself I’d use a computer for non-work purposes this week, so here it is.

I told myself I needed to write consistently for a month before I rewarded myself with a new desk.

Well, I broke that and bought myself a new desk anyway, after nearly 2 weeks of almost, sorta there, vague consistency.

I bravely drove to Ikea by myself on whim, came home, put it together, walked away because I was hangry, started a very long week at work, and now it’s been basically 2 weeks and I haven’t been back since.

Talking about that Monolith again…

I’ve got to figure out how to balance Big Things at the job I get Paid To Do with the Hey You Still Need to Thrive things I do not get Paid to do (at least not yet). Because work will likely always be like this, because I got promoted last year and I have responsibilities now. And I’ve gotta stop thinking one day it will magically stop and I’ll go back to the salad days.

We’ll get there.

Still taking baby steps toward getting back to myself.

I read a lot last week. I’m currently reading Hamnet which is a historical drama lightly based on Shakespeare’s life, and Hamlet. It’s not a genre I’ve really delved much into (apart from Phillipa Gregory’s Tudor Dynasty books because I love me some Tudors) and when I can get stuck into it, I’m really enjoying it. So far everyone is dying from bubonic plague and there’s a witchy kind of mom whose background story is pretty cool.

I got back into working out, and even ran on my lunch break today (speaking of which, I took 3 lunch breaks last week – yes!).

I ate breakfast yesterday and today.

I’m working very hard to not go into work early and not stay late/work from home.

I was social on the weekend.

I managed to dress like a human being to work on more than one occasion.

Progress!

Maybe this weekend I can face my desk.

Selfcare and other terrible phrases

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Had a long-ish day at work, ran some errands, came home, came upstairs, opened the laptop, plugged in the hard drive, and

Nothing.

Nada.

No drive, and no focus.

And that’s ok, we’re still trying to get back in the swing of things. The fact that I’m typing here and didn’t just bail altogether is really good.

At work today, my Wednesday trainer and I realised we hadn’t seen each other in 3 weeks. Which means it’s only been 3 weeks since we moved, and 1 week since I fried my brain at work.

It’s funny how time feels like it’s going backwards when we’re stressed, but when you start to feel better, you’re like “what do you mean, it’s been 3 weeks? Hasn’t it only been like 2 mins?”

Stress, you ol dirty bastard.

It’s also funny how you can feel nostalgic about those times where you felt like garbage, overstressed, sad, flat, bloated old potato growing fur and eyes in the bottom of the basket. But then again, it’s really not that funny – it’s how conditioned us depressive types get to feeling unwell. It becomes normal. It’s ‘easy’. We know how to work it, because it happens all the time. It doesn’t stop us from complaining and whinging with every atom of our being, because it sucks to feel that way. Contentment, happiness, comes different each time and is unpredictable. It’s hard to feel safe in that.

But I’m trying to re-learn what ‘safe’ is.

like –

Learning to accept that I can have good things in my life – like accepting that people can genuinely like me. And that not everyone or everything has an agenda to kick my ass. Like I don’t have to control everything. Like people can participate in the things I like to do without me feeling like they’re pushing me out. Learning I don’t have to launch into catastrophe mode.

Learning to give myself good self care (that’s a phrase that has less meaning every time you say it) — my trainer today asked me what I do for self-care when I’m stressed, and I honestly wasn’t sure. I thought, well, I reward myself with zoning out to a crap TV show or movie, or eat an entire birthday cake, or allow myself not to shower, etc. But nothing like, I do yoga or take a walk or meditate or write. And I thought, why don’t I do that?

And then I thought, this week I have: set boundaries with my personal time, I’ve taken the time to write at least 3 words after work, I met with my trainer today, I’ve bathed regularly. I’m listening to music more instead of re-runs. So, I’m actually doing a lot of good self care this week.

So hey – take that, Feelings Monster.

Ok, so I didn’t write in my manuscript today. But I’ve been a little vulnerable here. And that’s fixing the instrument that helps me write. Gotta have that good base.

Over this shit, how ’bout you?

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Alright folks, all together now please recite the biggest understatement of the year: “2020 has been an absolute shit show.”

Everyone is feeling the struggle. Shit has been hard. Since FEBRUARY.

As I headed out of the mind-fuck that was April and into May, work from home was hitting a good rhythm, and I was dangerously close to relaxing into the “new normal.” Our COVID numbers were starting to decline, restrictions were easing up, and there was even talk of returning to work at the end of June. My therapist went on maternity leave at the end of May, and in our last session when she asked if I wanted to set up some sessions with someone else while she was away, I was all “naaah I feel good, I got this.” And we laughed uproariously and shared a Zoom high-5 and the screen froze and we rolled to credits and the next scene was 2021 and shit was all good.

Except that didn’t happen – June happened and shit wasn’t all good.

Continue reading “Over this shit, how ’bout you?” →

Be Gentle with Yourself

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I was talking to my friend Kristin today about getting stuck in the void of isolation – I’m at day 26 of lock down and I’ve really started to notice how the days are all blending into one. Wake up, breakfast, work, lunch, work, walk, grocery store, dinner, chores, relax, bed, repeat. And how much of an emotional roller coaster it is — one hour it’s fine and suddenly you’re bottomed out under the weight of misplaced existential dread and your place in the suffering Olympics, and in a few hours its fine again. It can be tough (yes, this blog is about First World Problems, let’s get that out of the way). Continue reading “Be Gentle with Yourself” →

Learning to Unlearn

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“Imagine if you had to re-learn how to sit in a chair every time you walked into a room. Or re-learn how to open a door every time you approached a door handle. You’d go mad.”

I nodded. Continue reading “Learning to Unlearn” →

This is Not a Resolutions Post

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Naaaaah – as I’ve said before, making a list of resolutions – even if they’re disguised as “goals” “intentions” “declarations” “wishes” “list of things that PLEASE GOD AUDREY JUST DON’T DO THIS ANYMORE” —  is just simply the easiest way for me to make a list of Things I’ll Just Keep Happily Doing In Spite of Literally Everything In My Soul Begging Me to Not Do. Continue reading “This is Not a Resolutions Post” →

Hello, Goodbye: 2018

Published on by audrey

What a freakin’ year!

Compared to last year, shit felt pretty quiet. But really – it’s been a year of tremendous growth, awesome achievements, and fantastic travel. Ain’t too shabby! Continue reading “Hello, Goodbye: 2018” →

Back in the Habit

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A few weeks ago, I fell into a massive black hole of suck. I’ve had down days here and there, but this was the first time in really long time that I was scraping the bottom of the emotional barrel for no discernible reason. It was the kind of bad that made me bribe myself with take away coffee and overpriced pastries in order to get myself to go work. And once I got home, I could not pry myself off the couch. Continue reading “Back in the Habit” →