Had a long-ish day at work, ran some errands, came home, came upstairs, opened the laptop, plugged in the hard drive, and
No drive, and no focus.
And that’s ok, we’re still trying to get back in the swing of things. The fact that I’m typing here and didn’t just bail altogether is really good.
At work today, my Wednesday trainer and I realised we hadn’t seen each other in 3 weeks. Which means it’s only been 3 weeks since we moved, and 1 week since I fried my brain at work.
It’s funny how time feels like it’s going backwards when we’re stressed, but when you start to feel better, you’re like “what do you mean, it’s been 3 weeks? Hasn’t it only been like 2 mins?”
Stress, you ol dirty bastard.
It’s also funny how you can feel nostalgic about those times where you felt like garbage, overstressed, sad, flat, bloated old potato growing fur and eyes in the bottom of the basket. But then again, it’s really not that funny – it’s how conditioned us depressive types get to feeling unwell. It becomes normal. It’s ‘easy’. We know how to work it, because it happens all the time. It doesn’t stop us from complaining and whinging with every atom of our being, because it sucks to feel that way. Contentment, happiness, comes different each time and is unpredictable. It’s hard to feel safe in that.
But I’m trying to re-learn what ‘safe’ is.
Learning to accept that I can have good things in my life – like accepting that people can genuinely like me. And that not everyone or everything has an agenda to kick my ass. Like I don’t have to control everything. Like people can participate in the things I like to do without me feeling like they’re pushing me out. Learning I don’t have to launch into catastrophe mode.
Learning to give myself good self care (that’s a phrase that has less meaning every time you say it) — my trainer today asked me what I do for self-care when I’m stressed, and I honestly wasn’t sure. I thought, well, I reward myself with zoning out to a crap TV show or movie, or eat an entire birthday cake, or allow myself not to shower, etc. But nothing like, I do yoga or take a walk or meditate or write. And I thought, why don’t I do that?
And then I thought, this week I have: set boundaries with my personal time, I’ve taken the time to write at least 3 words after work, I met with my trainer today, I’ve bathed regularly. I’m listening to music more instead of re-runs. So, I’m actually doing a lot of good self care this week.
So hey – take that, Feelings Monster.
Ok, so I didn’t write in my manuscript today. But I’ve been a little vulnerable here. And that’s fixing the instrument that helps me write. Gotta have that good base.